November 2018 marked the 15 year anniversary of my suicide attempt. I can’t believe it has been that long but at the same time, it feels...
I wish I had a different dad. I wish I was blessed with a dad who would take time out of his day to ask me “How are you?” instead of “Did you study today?”. Sometimes I yearn for things that I know now are impossible. I’m not the brightest student. I’m really not. I hit rock bottom this past year and had to take a whole year off from college. I chose not to work and instead spend time with myself to better know what I want from my life in the coming years. This decision was met with tremendous support from my mom but my dad…yikes.
He would judge me every day and make me feel worse about myself when I was already at my most vulnerable. He would compare me to all the people around my age and ridicule me for falling short in my studies. Sometimes I wish I had the intelligence and mental capacity like my siblings but this is just how I was made to be.
A kid with a penchant for the arts and an inability to focus less on studies. I had to take a year off because I was depressed beyond comprehension. There were days I would sleep for an insane number of hours and other days where I would keep myself awake and try to rid myself of negative thoughts that plagued my mind. In that time I was experiencing a glimpse of hell, my mom would be that glint of hope and light that would rock me back into reality. My dad, on the other hand, only ever asked me about my studies and goals for the future when all I really craved from him was some sort of affection. Why was he so out of tune with my mental health and happiness? I’ve grown up realizing my privilege and have tried to be grateful for the easy upbringing I’ve had but unfortunately, that privilege couldn’t overshadow the hurt I felt every day.
I’m still hopeful that one day he’ll come around but I’m not going to wait. This past year has been somewhat relieving and rejuvenating for me and now it’s time to get back on track but on my own terms. I’ll study, learn, and adapt at my own speed, Dad. I can’t wait around for you anymore.