If you are having suicidal thoughts or feelings, contact 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or a qualified physician / mental health professional immediately.
I was sexually assaulted and violated by someone not once, but twice. And possibly multiple times without my knowledge thereafter. I was naive, very much so into him, and scared. The first time he did something to me, it was just the two of us. I begged him to stop and said,”NO!” I even kicked him off of me. We acted like nothing happened even though, in that moment, I knew something wrong had happened.
The second time, he shared a picture of me with someone else and admitted it to me. My ears were red. I was embarrassed, anxious, and angry. I pretended like the assault didn’t happen, and then I continued to act like he had never violated the privacy and intimacy we had established.
Throughout the months, I became meek and submissive. He downgraded me in very clever and subtle ways. I lost all ability to confront others and stand up for myself. I was so severely depressed that I would cry my eyes out, have trouble getting up for work, and was on medications. I always felt like I never had the right or the power to call him out on what he did to me. He came from a wealthy background – much more powerful than my own. There was a lot of back and forth. There was a lot of lying about "us."
He would do this thing where if I didn’t reply to him through text or social media, he would freak out on me. He would purposely message me when he knew I was out at night with my friends, hoping I would drunkenly tell him the truth about how I felt. He lied to our friend groups that I was “obsessed” with him. When I heard about this through the grapevine, I lost it. The truth was that he was obsessed with me. He was obsessed with controlling me, using me, and preying on me. He was the one who started all of this.
It had been about 6 months since he first violated me. He messaged me asking if we were “good” one night. I had had enough of him blatantly acting like everything was rainbows and roses between us. I confronted him the next day about everything… except the assaults. I still did not feel empowered enough to say it out loud: “You raped me. You shared my pictures without my consent.” I let it slide again.
After this phone call, we never spoke again. I slowly picked up my broken pieces. I went to an amazing therapist. I moved on and tried to be comfortable with other men after my assault. But he continued to covertly harass me. Trying to follow me again on social media. Texting me multiple times. Following me from burner/back-up social media accounts. It barely came to a stop.
In alignment with our mission to encourage others to #SpeakUp about mental health, we’ve created this blog – a passion project highlighting those who wish to share their stories with the world.
Open to anyone, the series features personal anecdotes from members of the South Asian community who have struggled with mental illness – and the stigma that comes along with it.
To submit your story, click here.
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MannMukti pledges to serve all South Asians, recognizing the power hierarchies in our communities, created and maintained by different identities of caste, language, geography, gender, sexuality, and religion that shape individuals’ obstacles while seeking mental liberation.
