November 2018 marked the 15 year anniversary of my suicide attempt. I can’t believe it has been that long but at the same time, it feels...
Living at home is truly such a nightmare. Sometimes it’ll be so silent that the volume of my thoughts magnifies or it’ll be so loud that I can’t even think straight. After a long day of work or school, I go back home thinking I’ll be able to recalibrate but each visit is filled with tears, screams, and despair. I often ask myself why I don’t just leave and get my own place so that I can move forth with my life but then I always go back to the fact that I’ve become the glue for the family. My brother is off at medical school in Dallas perfecting his future with his wife and here I am, alone, in Houston trying to make ends meet with two parents that can’t seem to cooperate. Reasoning with either of them is like trying to mix oil and water– pointless. I feel this burning sensation in my chest every time I enter my home but a part of me can’t seem to move on. If I don’t try to fix this family then who will?
My mom is my best friend. She is my number one confidante and my soulmate. She’s the one person who is on the same wavelength as me… most of the time. The times she’s not been difficult for me. She’s incredibly emotional and fragile. The smallest of comments can send her into a problematic spiral and keep her reserved for days. She’s opened up to me about her depression and anxiety and it only makes things more difficult. My mom fights with my dad almost every chance they’re near each other. Whether the cause is trivial or serious, each fight is incredibly difficult to contain. I always tell my mom to leave my dad so that she can live a better life but she chooses to stay because of me and my brother. She fails to realize that we’re adults and capable of taking care of ourselves but maybe she’s become comfortable with the consistent lifestyle she’s led.
Talking about my family is hard for me. On the surface level, these problems may seem so common but they’re still so hard to fathom. My home has become a breeding ground for toxicity and hatred. I’ve been depressed for years and not being able to find that solace at home is only more upsetting. I pray, pray, and pray that I can find the happiness I’ve been pining for for years. Family is everything but that’s figuratively speaking. I am part of everything as well and I need to take care of myself too. I need to tend to my own needs because I am important. I can’t be stunted by darkness because I have light in me.
Mom and Dad… I love you both dearly but don’t forget about me. You’ve both become so invested in the hatred you have for one another that you’ve forgotten about me. Set your differences aside for one second and think about the love and light you do have. I hope you both can find your own happiness as well.