...under the veil of a warm smile and a cool, calm demeanor. Hope this doesn’t take too many of my friends by complete surprise.
I have strained relationships and I am not talking only about romantic ones, but particularly familial relationships. It was weird growing up. I’ve seen a lot of unhealthy things which undeniably affected a lot. It’s strange to have lived through so much trauma and physical abuse to the extent to which its not normal…but we somehow think it is.
There’s a line and that line was crossed a lot during my childhood and which became the source of PTSD and anxiety for me. I can’t tolerate it at all if people are angry with me anymore. It is internalized, especially when men get mad at me. It’s unbearable.
Children are supposed to feel safe, secure, and consoled. Some amount of discomfort incurs growth but not always. I am lucky that my parents have provided a lot to me, financially and with access to an incredible education but nothing excuses that kind of behavior. I found a lot of supportive people who were able to reinforce that.
I’ve had to learn how to do deal with the anxiety that has come a result of this perpetual, wired fear but fighting for myself and understanding the motivations behind everything, really helps. Its my body’s protective mechanism. I can’t be angry at my body for protecting me. Understanding the physiological symptoms behind this trauma has truly helped.